What is gaslighting and what is the evidence of gaslighting that I need?
Gaslighting is the action of tricking or controlling someone by making them believe things that are not true, especially by suggesting that they may be mentally ill. It is a form of psychological abuse. Here’s the how and why to gather evidence of gaslighting.
In essence gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that attempts to undermine a person’s perception of reality. A person or a group of people covertly sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual, making them question their memory, perception or judgement.
Gaslighting is often a tactic used in dysfunctional family relationships and intimate relationships particularly when there are rifts. It can be part of a campaign of domestic abuse including coercive controlling behaviours. It’s now recognised in the family court. It has also been a crime since 2015.
Benjamin Field was sentenced to life imprisonment after admitting poisoning, gaslighting and defrauding Peter Farquhar in order to get a better job and inherit his wealth when he died. Field also told the court he deceived Ann Moore-Martin, another of his victims, saying: “I was pretending to have a real relationship with her that was false.” This is just one example of how serious this kind of behaviour can be and some of the consequences.
3 reasons to gather evidence of gaslighting
- Gaslighting is a nasty, insidious course of conduct that can have a terrible impact on the victim’s mental health and wellbeing. It’s very destructive.
- If you don’t keep records you might start to question your sanity because there’s nothing you can rely on to feel sure about your recollection of events.
- Proving you’re being gaslighted is really difficult if you don’t keep records especially if you might want to take action like going to the police. They need hard evidence before they can charge anyone.
If you’re suspicious of someone trying to undermine your memory and you are beginning to doubt yourself because of what someone is telling you, the key is to start keeping records straightaway. That way you can use the records to confirm your recollection. If you don’t keep records you will be relying on your memory which the other person is questioning and contradicting. The abuser will tell you, and other people, that you’re confused and unreliable. So when strange and unexpected things happen and the explanations you’re given aren’t in accordance with your memory, record keeping is essential.
What evidence do you need to prove it?
You’ll find lots more helpful information about gaslighting on this website.
Here is guidance about how to make good records.
And here is an example of the kind of records you could keep.
You will also find information elsewhere online, about how to understand gaslighting and about the psychology of gaslighting.
The Crown Prosecution Service website helps explain the legal definition of gaslighting as part of a pattern of controlling and coercive behaviour.
3 keys to gathering evidence of gaslighting
- Before starting to make records, think about what’s already happened to make you feel suspicious. What were the occasions when you believe you might have been gaslighted? When did it happen? What did your abuser actually say? Was it done when others were present so you have a witness or were you always alone with the person? What the abuser was like towards you on these occasions? Apparently friendly? Sympathetic? Agitated? Rude? Angry? Dismissive? Were they accusing you of being stupid? What kind of things is the other person saying you are wrong about? What else did they do other than what they said? When you think these things through you will begin to have some idea of when to keep records as similar events happen again. You can be sure that if it’s a campaign of abuse it will happen again.
- When you’re gathering evidence of gaslighting you should make a record every time you think an event might be used to gaslight you. So if your experience is that certain kinds of things are contradicted by your abuser, keep a record of those events as you actually experience them. For example it might occur about your spending or bills, your conversations about your relationships with others or plans you’ve made together. The record should be made as soon after the event as you can, so you can prove later it was fresh in your mind and therefore reliable. After all, your abuser will try to make out you have remembered wrong and you will need to convince others that you remember correctly.
- Keep a new record each time your recollection is being contradicted by the abuser, recording what, where and when it happened, what was said and what the outcome was. Explain why you had doubts about what you were being told. Point out if it contradicts your own recollection what you have already recorded, for example if the abuser completely denies what you say occurred or agrees it happened but says it was on a different day or in another context. Besides giving a clear account of what you experienced and its impact on you, also it a severity rating score. After all, you might start to think you’re going mad.
Gather evidence using ONRECORD
ONRECORD is ideal for gathering evidence to work out if you’re being gaslighted and to prove gaslighting is actually happening. It guides you through all the essential details on each occasion you keep a record. A good record will have the date, time, the account of what’s happened, evidence in support of what you’re saying and a rating of the severity of the event. Once you have uploaded a record, everything is put in date/time order. It is kept safe and cannot be tampered with. If your phone disappears or if you delete the app (perhaps you want to hide it from your abuser) you won’t have lost your records – download the app again or login on another device to access all your records ready to make your case and prove your sanity.
Find more information about using ONRECORD and why you should gather evidence yourself and not rely on the police, your lawyer or anyone else to do it.